further musings on community

i knew a month had gone by since i last wrote. i didn't realize it had been a month on top of a month!

fall has settled - somewhat - over east texas, and as temperatures have dropped, i find my defenses against missing boston, college life, and the community i had there falling as well. i miss it. i miss gearing up for the life is good pumpkin festival. i miss the row of maples on the opposite side of conte forum that are always the first to turn - a shocking red that almost seems to mock the gathering of gray cloudy skies.

i'm leaving for holland in a day or two, and as i pulled out fall clothes to pack for my time there, it was like revisiting old friends. my well-worn corduroys, jewel-tone sweaters, and huge scarves bring me that simple joy, like catching a glimpse of someone dear to you from across a crowded room or train station - the eagerness of anticipated reunion. moving to southern california doesn't afford many fall moments as far as i can surmise, and so this brief re-visiting of my fall wardrobe is a particular treat.

each item reminds me of boston. when i wore that sweater to that persons birthday party, or when i practically lived in those cords through finals week - connections to people and a place, neither of which are foreseeably in my future in the same, living-with, tangible way. i have spent a lot of time alone these past few months. it's almost been like a long, extended version of the silent retreat i attended at the beginning of the year. not as intensely focused or overtly spiritual, but an ongoing process of revisiting the vulnerability, timidity, and doubt of loneliness. nouwen talks about transforming, through grace, our loneliness into powerful solitude, recognizing god's infinite omnipresence and the reality that our connectedness with others, no matter how deep, can never bring about the full self-realization that comes from our connectedness with god.

as i have physically (although not necessarily mentally, spiritually, or emotionally) stepped out of my community at boston college, i have come to more fully realize how particularly special that gift was and is. it's going to take a heck of a lot of time, energy, emotion, and investment to build such a community again. as well as an equal amount of those things to maintain the community that will always be very dear to me. in some ways it's the both/and of liberation theology. i can maintain my connection to an extemporaneous community while investing myself in the community of my here and now.

at least i hope so :)