sparkling unknown

until the beginning of this week, if you had asked me what my plans were for next year, i would have rattled off to you my vision of working on the labor and delivery unit at the university of washington medical center in seattle, living in a community of jesuit volunteers, deferring my school loans for a year, and generally celebrating my transition from college student to real world player.

a lot of that came crashing down around my shoulders on tuesday when the nurse recruiter with whom i had been in contact wrote to say that the labor and delivery nurse managers were now officially sure that they would not be hiring new grads into their department. in fact, they were over-hired and would most likely not be hiring anyone into their department, much let a newly graduated nurse still wet behind the ears, so to speak.

suddenly, the prospect that i may not be working in labor and delivery next year, that i may not be in seattle, that i may not be doing jesuit volunteer corp became real for the first time. all of these beautifully-crafted plans, so in line with who i feel god has called me to be in the world, were turning into smoke and drifting away from my grasp.

taking a step back, it's really not all that dramatic. there is another hospital in seattle which is a really good option for labor and delivery and where i know someone on the floor who might be able to maximize on networking. also, i had a tentative job offer for the unit at UCLA medical center, and while LA would perhaps be one of the last places i could imagine myself living, i recognize that there are positive aspects, too - like my brother being there for school and a close proximity to the ocean.

this whole process of "taking a step back," though, has threatened to rob me of my balance. my confidence in my skills, my background, and my experience here at boston college felt suddenly threatened, and with that, my confidence in my own self, my confidence in my ability to discern a plan and a vision for the future from the murky leadings of god's still, small voice within my deepest desires. i told a friend that i never really picked up on juggling when in third grade my teacher thought it would be an important skill to learn and spent the entire afternoon trying to teach us. juggling might have come in handy now, as i widen my scope to include hospitals up and down the west coast as well as some closer to home as well.

so where does that leave me? somewhere close to square one, definitely. but also, it leaves me in the midst of that uneasy, in-between place we like to call the palm of god's hand. i've often thought of it as a place of deep peace and rest, and that is in many ways god's deepest desire for us. but sometimes, god calls us to be uncomfortable, to step outside of our plans and realize that they were always god's.

practically speaking, it leaves me with a much larger number of applications to fill out, reference letters to collect, and the generally sparkling unknown to face. i've got a new stage of life coming, and it's time to celebrate...